Here’s Why Mother’s Day Should Be On A Monday


It was a lovely mother’s day. I slept in, went to church and brunch with my bunch, lounged on the patio for a while.  

My sweet 10 year old son made me a  thoughtful card and poem telling me how great I was and that I was the best mom around.   My twelve year old daughter who still loves me (give her a year), made me bath salts all on her own, so I could sit in the tub that I haven’t sat in in years, and soak away the stress…with all my free time.  And my too-cool-for-school 14 year old daughter who thinks I’m an ass, actually hand-made me a card. She has yet to give it to me because she’s mad at me, but I know she made one.  

The kids picked out cheap flowers that will drop their petals in a day, except for the carnations dyed in various unnatural colors; those bitches are like fruitcakes; they last for-freaking-ever and are about as attractive.

My family  said to me, “Sit and relax, Mama!  Don’t do any work! It’s Mother’s Day!”  So I did, simply so they wouldn’t yell at me and tell me I’m impetuous and controlling.

I did. I sat, and enjoyed the sun, and relaxed all day and they made me dinner  and it was lovely.

And now it’s Monday.  And today sucks ass.

Because all that shit they told me not to do yesterday, didn’t get done.  I woke up to  dishes in the sink and a messy kitchen,  which I enjoy about as much as a surprise punch to the throat.  My kids all bitched because they had no clean clothes to wear to school because I didn’t do laundry yesterday….because they told me not to. There is dog fur gathered in all corners of the living room because the Sunday vacuuming didn’t get done.  The fridge is basically empty because I didn’t get the grocery order in and now the three little royals need to buy hot lunch at school which is like asking them to eat canned spinach for dessert.

All because I was having a Mother’s Day.

So I sent them off to school today wearing dirty clothes and sporting crappy attitudes.  I will spend today catching up from yesterday, and tomorrow catching up from today.  There will be no homemade meals this week because I will be too far behind to plan anything more than Taco Tuesday.

And just like that, I have gone from Mother of the Year to Kate Gosselin.

So here’s what I suggest we do:  let’s move Mother’s day to Monday, when everyone has gone off to school and the hubby is off to work and nobody is bothering me and I can pour a glass of wine at noon and not be scrutinized. Yes, happy Mother’s Day to me, everybody get the eff out of my house. In the mean time, I will be here taking an ACTUAL Mother’s day however the freak I see fit.  I won’t be sitting at soccer games or baseball games, and the laundry will already be done from Sunday and the kitchen will be clean when I wake up because that’s how I roll on Sundays–everything gets done before Monday.  I might even read a book, ok a magazine, ok watch Bravo TV, and I will go shopping and buy myself what I wanted them to buy me but they didn’t because that would make Mother’s Day too damn perfect.  And I will go out to lunch kid-free, with my other mom-friends that are celebrating Mother’s Day on Monday. And we will laugh and drink wine and order salads and not have to shout at little humans to keep their hands to themselves, or order chickey nuggies that don’t get touched. 

So save your cheap flowers (but I’ll keep the adorable hand-made cards and macaroni necklaces because who doesn’t want to wear uncooked painted pasta around their neck), and let me have my Mother’s Day the Mother’s way–free of you people.

That I love, of course.

 But don’t really want around on my day to relax.

Yes, I think Mother’s Day on a Monday would just be perfect.

Is that so much to ask?


Happy Day -After -Mother’s Day to all Moms of all types.  You make the world go round.  


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