Ladies, I have amazing news for you!
The one-piece swimsuit is making a come back!!
Yassss you heard it here first, and no, it’s not just me thinking it’s making a comeback based on the middle-age websites I’ve been shopping on. No, its really making a come back. Just look at sites like JCrew (ok fine, that’s total suburban mom style) or Cupshe or Roxy (yeah, that’s where the cool girls shop). One-pieces everywhere!
Now is the time! Pretend like you are at Costco and buy in bulk! You may never get this chance again to be this cool and this acceptable all at the same time!
And it couldn’t be happening at a better time. Because one day I was doing ok and holding my own and then the very next day I woke up and I looked like an apple on a stick. Literally, overnight.
I am one day away from having the sweet darling in the grocery store point to my stomach and say, super loud for all to hear, “BAYBEE!!!”
And I try these crazy diets, like no wine (I told you; freaking crazy) and I fail like an hour after I start, because, wine. It’s like a major food group that I cannot do without. And no matter how thin I am–even at my thinnest of my 40s, there simply is loose skin and tired muscles.
And I have three little ass holes, I mean precious hearts, to thank for that. Because at some point, post triple children, the skin and muscles around my abdomen just decided to stop trying. Muscles be like, Oh, I’m so tired trying to be firm and strong, I just want to lay down and rest. And that’s just what they did. And the skin holding in those lazy ass muscles was like, hey, let’s invite our friends, the Fat Family to stay with us! They could move in, with all their shit, and just stay til the end of time!
And so here I am, with lazy, taking-a-lifetime-nap abdomen muscles and allllll their friends, skin and fat, just hangin around. Doin nuthin.
Some women say, “it’s your badge of honor, this beautifully imperfect body you now have in your 40s, for creating the miracle of life multiple times!” Well that’s lovely, but you can shove your badge. I have wrinkles and thinning hair and a goddamned empty bank account thanks to my “miracles of life.”
We don’t need no stinkin badges.
What we need are plastic surgeons, which brings me to another point: Hotties with besties of the MD surgeon kind, we see you. And we know why you look like you do. You are one lucky beeyatch in your two-piece, too-hot, too-close to me at the pool. Maybe you need your own special section at the pool so you don’t make the rest of us look so bad. Yeah, we could call it the Special Suction. Ha.
The rest of us mothers of the forties (I mean age group, not century-of), need to grab our one- pieces fast, because they are selling out. Especially the reasonable sizes.
But please, try to find one with the teensiest amount of sex appeal so you don’t come full force shlumpadinkin to the pool and embarrass the hell out of your kids. Like, whose Grandma did you come with?
Throw on some wedge flip flops with that one-piece gift from the heavens, and grab a drink poolside. The suit will gloriously hold in your belly when the bloat sets in, so throw caution to the wind! We will NOT sit in the shade in our clothes and watch all the others have all the fun!
It’s almost summa! And this year, it’s a one piece world, baby!!
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