Little Shop of Whorrors: Shopping with my Teenage Daughters


It’s finally warming up here in Michigan, which means my girls need new clothes.  

Being the shopping lover that I am, I should be excited about shopping with my teenage daughters.  It should be perfect mother-daughter bonding time: shop at the mall, lunch, Starbucks, talk about cute boys….dreamy.

But no.   This shopping experience is dreadful. You see, shopping for a teenage girl is like taking your daughter to the bar and saying, which drunk old pervert should we take home? Because they’re all bad choices, they’re all disgusting, and I don’t want any of it at my house or on my daughter.

If you don’t have teenagers yet, and your biggest exposure to teenage-pregnancy-in-an-outfit is the glittery shine of the store called Justice, brace yourself.  When your daughter outgrows it and moves on to places like Forever 21 or American Eagle, you will wish you could shop at Justice again, and you will wish that glitter was your biggest problem.

Here’s a little list of  six seemingly normal items that you will probably be hoodwinked into buying for your teenage daughter and wish you never had.

  1. Ripped clothes

I mean, trashed.  I can dig the current trend of “distressed” jeans…to a point. But I am over paying for the shit to look like it’s been put in a blender. Because $50 for a pair of teenage jeans that have been cut in half, shredded by a cat, and have holes in, around and on the ass, just ain’t cuttin it for me (see what I did there?)  This crap is so trashed, Goodwill won’t even take it when you’re done with it.

And yet… $50.

Serenity now.

2.  Short shorts

Excuse me, your who-ha is showing.   When you have trouble tucking in your tampon string you know there is a problem.  Too graphic?  Exactly.  

3.  Embroidery

“I love tacos” embroidered near the crotch of shorts that don’t cover the crotch is simply a sign that says…well…it says something I don’t want my daughter wearing in a place I don’t want people trying to read. Plus, my daughter doesn’t love tacos, so it’s an outright lie.  

4.  Short dresses

Sun’s out buns out.  Not in my house.

Hey darling, you forgot your pants.

5.  Cropped shirts

I get it; teenage girls are cute and thin and their stomachs haven’t stretched out yet from having kids and they don’t have the middle aged ponch or stretch marks and you could bounce a quarter off their bellies.  But you still need to put it away, because you can’t couple this type of top with shorts that are being eaten by your ass.  It simply looks like you put your clothes in the dryer four hours too long.

6.  Bikinis

I . Can’t.  Even.

Which side is even the front?

Honestly.   The options given the teenage girls today is troubling.  And I know it’s really nothing new; the styles are recycled and every generation had them (hello daisy dukes and tube tops). But our teenage girls are so incredibly sexualized as it is at such an early age.  And I’m not really sure how to handle it, because I wouldn’t put her through the bullied hell of dressing like a Mennonite (unless that’s her style). But there’s got to be some middle ground here.

So please, makers of teenage clothes, I beg of you, stop making clothes that make our girls look like trashy sluts.  Maybe just an inch more to the length of your clothes and a few less rips near the nether parts, or embroidery that says, “can’t touch this” would be an idea I could fork out some money for.

If it were up to me, I would take her to JJill and sheath her in drapey mom clothes.

But I’m pritty sure that ain’t going to happen .


4 thoughts on “Little Shop of Whorrors: Shopping with my Teenage Daughters

  1. And this starts well before teenage years! I have trouble buying shorts for my nine year old daughter 😳 Just crazy

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