Brace yourselves, parents. By the looks of homecoming, your daughter’s wedding is going to be extremely expensive.
There is this thing going on in our town, and as I researched it I found that it’s not just our town, because there are pages and pages of it on Pinterest. And you know if there are Pinterest pages, it’s a real thing. And the funny thing is, most things on Pinterest are relatively unattainable by mere mortals, so there’s that.
Here’s what it is: there are large productions occurring all over town called “HOCO Proposals.” It is simply when a boy asks a girl to go to HOCO with them.
(For those without teenagers or living under a rock, HOCO is teen-short for homecoming. You’re welcome).
By “large production” I mean, the boy better come up with a witty poster, blow up some balloons, buy some flowers, dress up like an idiot, sort of production.
Sounds like cute teenage fun, right? Signs, balloons, candy… But most of all…pressure. Holy crap the pressure to do this and do this right is unreal. And I feel really sorry for high school boys right now, because if you can’t rhyme or you aren’t creative and you don’t have markers and poster board at home, and your mom won’t take you to spend $25 on balloons, well, you are dead in the water and you just better plan on going to HOCO SOLO.
And let’s talk about the poor girls for a minute. Because not all the girls are going to get asked. Or proposed to. Or whatever the F this has become. Just about every girl (yes, I know there are exceptions, and here’s to you, high school girls with very high self esteem) wants a freaking sign! And it is going to be a disappointing day when this is all over and they were the one left out. No sign. No candy. No balloons. And I get it’s totally acceptable for kids to go in groups with their friends, but you can’t tell me those groups (and everyone else) didn’t notice they didn’t get a freaking sign.
As if these kids don’t already have enough pressure on them to be the fastest, the smartest, the nicest, the prettiest!! . Now there’s pressure from HOCO for crying out loud! Pressure to ask in a big way and pressure to BE asked. And I’m here to say, kids, and especially parents who push this shit, settle the F down!!
Because guess what. We are at fault. We did this. (Well, not me. I’m innocent) But we, as parents –uh, MOMS, did this. We have made every goshdanged day a freaking holiday for these kids.
First day of school? Yay! I’ll get you a cake.
Score a goal in soccer? Super dooper!! I’ll buy you a new outfit!!
100th day of school? Whoopie!!! I”ll give you a hundred freaking dollars because gosh, that’s special!
Holidays that aren’t even holidays are getting celebrated, and now our teenagers think every danged new booger they pick requires a celebration!
And here’s what’s wrong with it. The big things suddenly are not the big things anymore. And the special times are no longer special because special is supposed to denote “hardly ever done”. Like, once in a lifetime. Like, you deserve this special moment and they don’t come along often so enjoy the hell out of it.
The Merriam Webster definition of special reads: readily distinguishable from others of the same category :unique.
But special has become so diluted it’s like the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet that is no longer vodka cuz your kid drank it and filled it back up with water. “Special” is THAT diluted. And I’m all for celebration and awesome experiences, but is HOCO really that moment?? I mean, what about prom? That’s way more specialer than HOCO. And then there’s the REAL proposal that will come someday when they are an adult. What are the boys going to be required to do then??
I don’t even want to think of it.
So guess what. Thanks to off-the-richter HOCO proposals in high school, when it comes time for your daughter to get married she’s going to want the goddamned moon. The expectations for each occasion keep rising. And special isn’t so special anymore, it’s just a HOCO sign. But I guess there’s nothing wrong with that.
I just hope you’re good with a lasso, because that moon ain’t going to be easy to catch.